Archive for crap

not that it hasn’t rained in weeks,

but after receiving about 11 drops of rain, I find myself compulsively checking out the radar.  Refresh, refresh, nothing happening, nothing coming.  It’s a bit like it was Christmas, and Santa ate one of your cookies and forgot to leave the gifts.  Bitter pill to swallow.

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somewhere, someone in marketing is smiling

One solid week of answering questions about cars (“Hey, have you ever seen a purple Prius?”  “Mom, why don’t you say the ‘t’ in ‘Chevrolet’?”  “Who do we know who drives a Jetta?”) found me creating this document today:

I’m sure the quality would make my graphic design friends shudder (feel free to create me a better one), but I am hoping that putting this on a clipboard and giving little w. a pen to tally up the cars he sees will buy me an hour or two of peace while we are driving.  We shall see…

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what can’t you do with a little tape?

It has been a very, very long time since I’ve sat down to this blog largely due to a complete absence of naptimes over here and a desire to try to be crafty/actually finish books for my book club  (Finished a truly excellent book this morning for last night’s book club, btw).

This picture, however, pretty much sums up what we’ve been up to over here:

 

For those of you who have not seen this device in person, this box (marked “fragile” of course) contains about 30 pieces of balled up paper.  We have chosen to use the highly secure method of affixing the box to the wall with painter’s tape.  Then, we sneakily try to lure Daddy to stand (ok, “crouch” is more like it) under the box so that it will rain paperwads on his head.  Truly hilarious fun created by some truly ridiculous children.

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why my shoulder hurts

I had a few extra minutes today, so I decided to dump out my bag and see what was hidden inside.  I share my list with you:

  • 1 knife
  • 2 forks
  • 1 spoon
  • wristwatch
  • hairbrush
  • empty hand sanitizer
  • whistle
  • matches
  • candles
  • travel Cranium game
  • lotion
  • metal cup
  • wallet
  • 2 water bottles
  • daily calendar
  • coupon folder
  • small spiral notebook
  • letter from w’s school
  • scribbled on communion cards from church pew (ought to donate to the church’s paper goods fund)
  • pair of mittens
  • handful of lint-covered almonds
  • 3 grape jolly ranchers (hate that flavor)
  • blue plastic bracelet
  • flamingo drink stirrer
  • small puzzle
  • container of almonds (lint-free)
  • clementine
  • cell phone
  • ipod with headphones
  • ipod shuffle
  • set of keys
  • wikistick glob
  • pink plastic dolphin
  • hairclip
  • tiny magnifying glass
  • tie-dyed wristband
  • 11 silly bands
  • plastic snake
  • pink eraser
  • building block toy
  • flamingo card
  • ymca ID card
  • 2 toys r us loyalty cards
  • 2 copy cards
  • 2 band aids
  • 5 lip balms
  • empty altoids tin
  • hershey miniature bar
  • 15 pens
  • 2 sharpies
  • 1 highlighter
  • 6 pencils

Can you match my list?  Just try!

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a space invader

As long as we stick to our little corner of the American South, I don’t expect to be that surprised by what I see outside in the yard or down at the park.  I’m no naturalist, but I’m pretty solid at identifying squirrels, pine needles, and the average garden plant.  This little guy, however, spotted on the tree in our front yard threw us all for a bit of a loop.

We had seen a lot of wooly worms down at the park that day, so is this Casper, the Friendly Ghost Caterpillar?  He looked more to me like a novelty pompom gone bad, but I suppose that’s just too many trips to AC Moore kicking in.

Speaking of wooly worms though, the forecast at the Wooly Worm Festival in Banner Elk predicted a miserable looking winter.  Here’s hoping that this forecast applies just to the High Country and leaves the rest of us in the Piedmont alone.

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because you share a love so big,

I now pronounce you frog and pig!

Last week, while I was recovering from the sure-to-be-not-last Dread Illness of the season, little e. did whatever she wanted to around the house.  She footpainted in the sunporch.  She changed clothes 11 times a day.  She ate nothing but yogurt. One late morning found me prostrate on the living room floor and watching “The Muppets Take Manhattan” with little e. sitting on my feet.

Ah, the muppets.  I used to listen to the movie soundtrack albums over and over when I was little on my red ladybug record player.  And while my kids do get a kick out of the muppets’ antics, they spend a fair amount of time puzzled by the creatures.  “Why are there so many of them?  Why do their mouths move so strangely?  Mommy!  That monster scares me!”  And so on and so forth.

Well, we all know that puppets can be spooky, but I wasn’t prepared for the spookiness of realizing that “The Muppets Take Manhattan” is quite a dated film. Yes, it isn’t just Miss Piggy’s secretary chic apparel and awesome make up, but those are awfully distracting indeed.

It’s just an ’80s kind of film–amnesia, a big splashy wedding, and celebrity cameos that anyone under the age of 30 would be hard pressed to identify.  I spent a good chunk of the movie wondering in my fever induced haze if that was really Brooke Shields (hard to tell without those close-ups of her Latisse eyelashes) and how I would like to watch a slow motion morphing of Joan Rivers from her shop clerk character to today’s, uh, character.  I did, however, very much like Gregory Hines as the cute roller skater wannabe (“Keep the skates. Keep the skates. I don’t use ’em anyway; I just like to run around in shorts.”).

Obviously, I know that whenever you step into the territory of things that you used to like as a child, there are land mines all around you.  Your kids hate it!  You have to leave the room after 10 minutes yourself!  You realize what you made your poor parents sit through and immediately call and apologize!  “The Muppets Take Manhattan” didn’t descend to this level by any stretch but merely left me feeling like a very, very old 1980s carbon-dated dinosaur.  And that doesn’t make one want to get up off of the living room floor.

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it took almost two years,

but I finally found my YMCA membership card.  In a last-ditch effort to stop the refrigerator’s ungodly loud clanks and clangs, I moved out the fridge, swept behind it, and vacuumed out the coils.  Well, the appliance is still being annoying, but on the upside, my Y card emerged from a 22 month adventure underneath the fridge.

For those of you keeping score at home:

Items Found This Summer

  • checkbook from a closed account
  • YMCA membership card that was subsequently reissued

Items Still on the Run

  • ipod shuffle
  • Christmas gifts that I had ambitiously already made but cannot locate

Sigh.  Here’s hoping that the loop current that is my home will bring these items back to me if I am just patient enough.

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